We’ve all been there. You’re driving at the speed of traffic, when some yahoo in a pickup truck with a discount lift kit decides to tailgate you, then pass you on the right. A moment later, he veers in front of you (no signal, of course), then has to hit his brakes because of the other cars in front of you. You slam on your brakes to narrowly avoid hitting the guy and he skates away. Your heart is pounding, and you are thanking the inventor of anti-lock brakes while checking if you need a change of pants or not. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Everyone sucks at driving, except me. For those of you who got your driver’s license out of a cereal box, here are some simple rules that everyone should follow, lest you incur my wrath:
A safe following distance between two cars not an invitation to cut in front of me. Especially in bad weather. You are a bad person, and should feel bad. I learned the ‘three second rule’. If you don’t know what this is, you’re probably part of the problem.
Yes, you used your turn signal. But you were already moving into my lane when you put it on. Kinda defeats the purpose, huh? It’s called an ‘indicator’ because (and get this!) it indicates where you are going to go. Not where you already are going. Subtle distinction, I know.
Notice all this snow? Wonder why literally everyone else is driving slow except you? But no, you’re not affected by the laws of physics! YOU HAVE A PICKUP TRUCK! Who needs to go at a reasonable speed when you have a suspension lift kit and a gun rack on the back of your F350? I appreciate you spraying all that dirty snow on my windshield, by the way.
If you’re not comfortable driving at the speed of traffic in this weather, then wait for the weather to clear. And for god’s sake, don’t drive in the centre lane! Going 40 under the speed limit on the busiest highway in North America means that the snow is the least of my worries right now. YOU are my problem. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
Quit passing on the right. Yes, I know, you think it’s fine. It’s not. Stop it.
Don’t be a dick about merging. If someone is trying to move lanes or get onto the highway, especially in reduced visibility, it’s not a threat to the size of your penis to move over and let them in.
The ‘London Left’ has got to go. You’re waiting for your advanced turn signal. There is one car in the intersection waiting to go left. He’s waiting for a red light so he can turn safely. Fine. He turns and your green arrow is up. You are about to go and…wait…someone else is turning left behind the last guy. And another one. And another. Now guess what? Your advance turn is gone. You’ve just been London Left’d. There’s a whole subreddit on this, in case you’re interested. Congrats, London! Our driving is so bad we’ve made the internet!
Quit being so freakin’ polite. Yes, I know, I just said to let people in. That being said, don’t do things that other drivers aren’t anticipating for the sake of ‘being polite’. Ever been at a four way stop, the other guy stops first, and then doesn’t go. Oh no, he wants YOU to go! He flashes his lights at you, smiles, and gestures for you to go. Meanwhile, another car has arrived and is now equally confused by Mother Theresa over here. By the time we figure that little mess out, we all could have been on our way. Same goes for letting people with poor planning skills turn left across six lanes of traffic during rush hour. Hey, maybe they should just do what a sane person should do…TURN SOMEWHERE ELSE. Just stick to the rules of the road, folks. If you want to do something nice for someone, just…I don’t know, read to your children, or volunteer at that place where they put dogs to sleep.
All of this pales in comparison to my next gripe. If this is you, please internalize the next set of words you’re about to read. Print this post out. Tape it to your bathroom mirror. Get this tattooed somewhere.